I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize