I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
