those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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