I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize