I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
