Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
