you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
