I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
