What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
