Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
