i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
There's always time for handjobs
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize