You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Randomize
