I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
