By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
