No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
