Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Randomize
