I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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