I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I love you. Go after that dick
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
