Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
