The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
