Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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