Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
