If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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