You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
