I like to think it a success when the cops are called
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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