Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
