question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
