I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm like, not good at living.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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