I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
