apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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