Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
