my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
