I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Never underestimate the power of titties
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
