Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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