based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
