im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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