i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
