so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize