I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
