textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
