Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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