guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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