i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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