I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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