Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
