If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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