I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
