I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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