one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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