Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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