Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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