I am in a vortex of obligation.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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