when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize