I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
